Pain with a Purpose

It doesn’t take much sometimes…. This morning for me it was a simple mention of a day off. In some moments grief just hits us. Grief is powerful. I was beginning my day in prayer, I was in the nursery of our 6 month old as she still slept. I was praying over her, I was praying over my family. I was praying for our church and its leaders. And then it happened. My wife called. After a short discussion she made mention of trying to decide what we were going to do on June 19th. My wife’s employee gives them the day off for Juneteenth. For some this is a day of celebration. For some it is an opportunity to take the family out on a day off. Unfortunately for us, this is the 2nd anniversary of the most painful day of our lives.

In some ways I feel blessed that my wife has that day off. I remember waking up last year in very rough shape. For those that don’t know, it was June 19th, 2021 that my closest friend took his own life in our home. It is still painful. It is still raw. It still hurts like it happened yesterday. This morning, just the thought of that day brought me to tears in an instant.

At first it was pain. Pure pain. It still hurts every time I think of it. Even though we have moved since, it still hurts to look into our spare bedroom as I walk out of our room every morning. And this morning in an instant, a wave of grief came over me. In that moment at the mention of June 19th, I re-lived, as I do almost every day, the pain that existed that horrible night.

There is good news though. Oh how there is good news. Today I process this grief much differently. Most days when I think of Zack, I’m not crushed with grief because I am thankful for the life I lead today. Although it is horrible that the events of that day happened, I am thankful that God used this tragedy to draw me close to him. I am thankful that I used the lessons of that time to make changes in my own life that ultimately allowed me freedom to live a new life; to have a family… to have our beautiful six month old, Oakley… to begin to learn to love my wife in a new and real way and to begin to honor her as the incredible woman she is… to build a real, lasting relationship with a God who loves me and through that relationship begin to build a ministry that brings others into that same relationship.

Today my pain has a purpose! My pain reminds me of all God has done for me and my family over the course of the last two years. This morning, as the pain and the grief overcame me, I quickly transitioned to praising God. I used the painful moment as an opportunity to let God comfort me. I thanked him for what he has done since that day in my life. Sometimes we have tragedy in our lives and it takes us to dark places. We question God. We run from God as a result. I knew I had two choices after the events of that day. I could have continued down the path I was on, a prideful, self seeking, self honoring life that put myself before anything and anyone, or I could use this tragedy to run to the father. I’m thankful today that he was also running to me at the same time.

It was just yesterday I was discussing with someone the thought of analyzing more situations in my life and taking time to pause and ask myself, “Where is Jesus in this situation?” Is he in tears in the corner, disappointed in the decisions and behaviors I am

exhibiting in a situation. Is he walking alongside me through a tough moment helping hold me up. Could he have been holding Zack and sobbing that day and crying out that I don’t make the same mistake. I know from that day he hasn’t left my side. He has walked alongside me and my wife. Through the good times, through the tough times. And I’ll tell you this. The closer we draw to him, the less the pain hurts. The more we trust him the less we hurt. The more we turn over complete control of our lives to him, the less our own thoughts and emotions control us.

Today I am thankful that I still remember my best friend every day. I’m thankful for the pain I still experience daily. Because that pain has a purpose. Today I can use that pain to glorify God. I challenge you to do the same with the pain that exists in your life. Use it to glorify him. Praise him through the storm. Find peace and rest in his presence.

Matthew 5:4

God blesses those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

1 Peter 5:7

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Psalm 91:1-2

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare about the Lord:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

he is my God, and I trust him.