Tragedy Isn't Easy

Well this blog post has been coming for quite a while. I've sat down to write several times. I've even had what I thought was a finished post ready to put up, but I just knew for some reason I wasn't ready or it wasn't time. Many of you know the tragedy that struck our family on September 19th. But there are also many of you that do not. And I think the time has come to publicly share what Tanja and I went through, and what we are still going through.

September 19th we had a regular pregnancy appointment. We went in happier than could be. We had picked out an amazing name for our coming son, "Luca". We had just started making purchases and the excitement had grown considerably.

But let's back track to a few days earlier, Sunday, September 17th. A couple in our church had just found out that they had a miscarriage in their 17th week of pregnancy, and a procedure would need to be done that Monday. Someone came to me mid service and informed me what this couple was going through. The pain they must be experiencing was unfathomable to me at the time. Even having been through a miscarriage ourselves, the thought of a couple losing a child at that point just overwhelmed me with care for them in that moment.

If you know me well at all, you learn one thing very quickly..... I LOVE PEOPLE. Anyone, everyone, it doesn't take long for me to truly love you. In fact when asked what drives my passion to serve in the way I do earlier this year, while processesing the answer to that question, I realized that there are countless people in my life that I would literally lay down my life for. Dozens within our church family that I would sacrifice myself to save, without question, in an instant. The processing of what that meant made me come to see just how deep my love for people went. So it was in this moment on Sunday September 17th, that I knew I had to act fast.

Mid service I rallied the troops, I gathered a few couples that had been through miscarriages ourselves. I made arrangements with our childrens ministries to have their children taken care of directly following service. As service ended we layed hands on the couple and we prayed. Several of us in tears remembering the pain of our own situations coupled with the fact that we still couldn't imagine the pain that this couple was currently experiencing. Multiple times over the next couple of days I found myself stopping and praying for this family and what they were going through. Multiple times telling myself, "I can't imagine the pain.". Little did I know that pain would become all too real for my own family.

Two days after this service, we found ourselves excited entering our baby check up for our own pregnancy. And we would walk out of that building forever changed. We came to learn our son, Luca, had passed, and we were going to have to schedule the same procedure for our own child. The pain was just as overwhelming as I imagined it was for that couple just two days prior. To be honest, at first, I got really mad at God. Like really mad. In some ways I processed that quickly, but in others I secretely held on to that anger. And if I want to be really honest, in some ways I might still be holding on to some of that anger. Thankfully my salvation is not earned through works, or through perfectly keeping the law or I'd probably be in some trouble at this point. The one thing that has not been shaken is my firm belief that Jesus Christ came and died for each and every one of us. I know that God is good, and I know that he will use everything for His good, but to say there are not times where I am still angry would be a lie.

I was due to travel to the Jesus Image Pastors Conference the next morning. I'd been looking forward to the conference for a while, and had been trying to attend a Jesus Image event for some time. Tanja encouraged me to still go. Our incredible doctor told us there was nothing I could do staying back, that the procedure would be scheduled the following week. So a couple of buddies and I proceeded with the trip. That Thursday morning from the lobby of a hotel in Orlando, at 4 in the morning, I would unfortunately end up coaching my wife through labor back at home. It was one of the hardest few hours of my life. It hurt to not be there, but that paled in comparison of the pain I felt for my wife who was experiencing one of the most tramatic things a woman can. We are blessed to have people in our lives that will drop anything and everything to be there for us. We had a close friend get out of bed and rush over to be by her side. We had just moved my parents locally, so my mother was there extremly quickly. But the emotional pain from that experience is deep. Over the course of the next couple of weeks there were unfortunately still medical interventions that would be needed. It was the "Month From Hell" we would soon come to call it. But we got through it. At times I am just in awe at what my wife went through physically, that although mad at God herself for a while, she still stayed in the word daily and didn't miss a beat in her devotion to Him.

It's been a busy couple months since, but the pain is still extremely fresh in our lives. Thankfully I have had bible college keeping my days pretty full, and we just took a 2 week trip to Europe to visit some of Tanja's family and to see our Cheifs play in Frankfurt Germany, which was a pretty remarkable experience. We are still traveling, in fact when we return home next week we will have been gone for 28 days. But it has been a much needed time of relaxation, travel, and time spent with each other. Tanja and I still hurt daily. We do a good job of suppressing it a lot of the times but we will catch a tear in one another's eye from time to time and share a few moments of remembrance for Luca, who we know is dancing on those streets of gold as we speak.

Our church is transitioning to a new building, and there is a lot going on, but if you see us, just know, we are still grieving. We are still hurting. We are still broken in some ways. But thankfully we serve a VERY big God who is capable of anything. We know this storm will pass, and with each day, it tends to get better. We know that God will use this for

His good, and at the end of the day that's what matters most. There were times in the last eight weeks where I questioned so many things about my life. I even questioned my job..... in fact at one point I went to my superior to figure out an exit strategy for the end of the year. Thankfully God had other plans and he used the right men to encourage me at the right time, with the right teachings to put my perspective back in check. One thing is certain though, we never questioned God as the head of our lives. We may have had to work through some of the tough questions ourselves, like "Why do bad things happen to good people?" and what not, but we never questioned His supremacy in our lives.

So many of you have been there for us over the last eight weeks, and we have no idea how to express our thanks. Without a few of you, I honestly don't know where we would be today, emotionally or spiritually. But that is what this is all about. This is why the Bible calls us to community in a church. So that when the tough stuff hits us, we have a band of brothers and sisters to support us, but to also put us in check. To love us but also hold us accountable. It makes my passion for connecting people within the church that much stronger. The enemy did what he could to try to get me to walk away from something I've come to love, but instead this situation shined light to the importance of connection within a church body. Thank you to everyone at New Life who helped hold us up and continue to love on us. Thank you, We love you!