Unimaginable Faith Through Grief

I confess, that I am part of the group of people that begins decorating for Christmas in November. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my husband stopping me I would probably begin in October. There is something about the early sunsets, the twinkling lights, the chill in the air, and the crackling fireplaces that create a deep sense of comfort and emotional warmth. Even before I renewed my relationship with Christ, I appreciated the joy and the peace that came with the approaching Advent season. This past year I did a short four-part Advent devotional that focused on Isaiah 9:6 “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace”. One title, “Wonderful Counselor” stuck out to me. This was a new concept that really resonated with me as I reflected on the last couple of years.

I had never experienced true grief until recently. As some of you know, in June of 2021, a dear friend of Tom and I made the unfortunate decision to take his own life in our home. At that time we would have called ourselves christians but we were far removed from church and our personal relationship with Christ was absent from our lives. I am convinced that, even when wandering, God protects his children because in that moment he shielded both of us from a traumatic scene. The room described to us later, is not what we had recalled seeing. To this day we both believe God was protecting us from an image that would have left a painful imprint forever.

That tragic night led us back to church and two months later we found out we were pregnant. It felt like perfect timing. We were going to church together. We were both back in the Word. We found a house and our offer had been accepted. We were part of a small group and fellowshipping with other believers. We had lost Zack but now we were going to bring a new life into our new home. Then just a few weeks later, the weekend we moved into our home, I had a miscarriage. I didn’t know how much I needed a Wonderful Counselor until that year. Now I continue to lean on Christ as my counselor. He is there alongside me, every step of the way. My Savior provides not just salvation, but comfort.

But it was, and sometimes still is, incredibly difficult to grieve a child I never knew, especially as we were still actively grieving a dear friend. Somehow it felt like I couldn’t be quite as sad for this child I would never meet. I couldn’t be quite as broken for quite as long. I felt like I couldn’t express to my husband just how heartbroken I still was a couple months later because I didn’t want him to somehow feel like Zack’s death was any less important or devastating. In my mind I thought people would judge me for being upset about this child that never was instead of a friend we’ve had for many years.

What I didn’t realize at that time was those thoughts and feelings were all the work of the enemy. Comparing grief? That’s the enemy. Believing an unborn child isn’t important? That’s the enemy. Assuming my husband wouldn’t understand, or even worse, would judge my brokenness? That’s the enemy. For months I felt this way. Finally in early February as we were waiting for our table at a restaurant, I told Tom how heartbroken I still was about our miscarriage. I shared with him how I had been downplaying it because of Zack’s death. Of course, my husband’s response was one of love and understanding. He had been doing the same thing I was because he didn’t want to make me more upset.

I can remember exactly how I felt that night. It was as if the weight had been instantly lifted off me. As the tears rolled down, the guilt and the shame evaporated. It’s difficult for me to be raw and transparent, especially with negative emotions, but that night I realized it’s easier to combat all those thoughts from the enemy with an ally. My perspective changed that night. I could grieve Zack and my first child in different ways and in different waves. There is no competition in grief.

A month later we found out we were pregnant again. It was challenging to cast aside anxiety during the pregnancy and to trust the promise God made clear. My husband has been open about his struggle early on with trusting the Lord to deliver on this promise, but his promises reign true, and this past November, I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl Oakley. I am honored and grateful that God allowed me to become a mother. I may never truly understand the losses of Zack and our first child, but I do know God has already used these tragedies to speak both to us and through us to others for good. I still mourn our losses but now I grieve without guilt and instead grieve in faith.

Through the process of grief I have come to know Him as my Wonderful Counselor. I am a child of the one true king, a daughter of the living God. Now having a daughter of mine, I have a deeper understanding of how much much He loves me and doesn’t want to see me hurt, but that when I am hurting He is always there to provide comfort, and I am so so grateful for that. Today, I see him working through our personal tragedies to allow us to speak into the lives of those around us. Those moments of pain, and loss, and tragedy will forever testify to just how incredible our God is.

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us” (2 Corinthians 1:4)

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4)